Happy four year anniversary

Today is my official four year anniversary of life in the city. Four years ago today I walked off that plane in Pearson airport not knowing what I was walking into. I had no idea that this decision to come here would change my life so irrevocably. I thought two years of working for the Ontario government and I'd be back in Thunder Bay cruising down Lakeshore drive.

Well four years and four jobs later I'm still here and it doesn't look like I'm going back anytime soon. The question is do I feel like I belong here anymore than I did four years ago? Sadly my answer is no. I still feel like a person stuck in limbo between two worlds. I don't belong to one or the other. I'm a stranger in both.

A lot has changed since I've been here. I've actually changed since I've been here. There were things I left behind in Thunder Bay that I never thought I'd be able to stop missing. Surprisingly I adapted. There are things here I never thought I could get used to - again I adapted. Human beings really are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

I still remember exactly how I felt that day on the plane coming here. I cried looking out the window as we flew over Lake Superior in the brilliant morning sun. I was so sad about what I was leaving behind. Even though I felt like I was losing a lot I knew in my heart that what was there didn't need me anymore...that is if it ever did. The people I left behind would get on with life and would move on and in reality they already had. While I was there I wasn't moving on. I had no where to go and no one to go forward with.

I came here hoping it was my new beginning...my saving grace. In the beginning I expected miracles from this city and I didn't get them. The first four months here were possibly the most difficult of my life. So much happened yet I still clung to what I had left behind. It took 2 years before I finally could be here and not wish to be leaving every second of the day.

I still like going home. It's still a safe and comfortable place to be. I know every nook and cranny and you can get anywhere in fifteen minutes. I miss that simplicity. But there are things that this place has done for me that home never could have. There I was a stunted plant in a pot that had long ago gotten too small. Here I have room to breathe.

For the first time in my life I got the opportunity to really be who I am. I got to discover the potential that people had seen in me but that I had not yet found. In many ways I was forced to face things that I had been able to hide from. Here there was no where to hide. Here all I had was me and if I didn't step up to the plate than no one was going to.

It's a hard lesson to learn but once you've learned it many of the bad things that happen don't seem bad anymore. It takes the bite out of them.

I have also been given the gift of a huge group of amazing, generous and supportive friends. Of all the things this place has given me, I value them the most because they have given me more than I could ever thank them for or repay. I still marvel at them.

This place has also given me clarity and respect for where I come from. It is something I understand better now that I'm on the outside. I have a perspective that many of the people I know will never have never having lived outside of it. It changes your view on so many things and you begin to understand things in a way you never would have thought possible.

I remember my old drama teacher saying that when you leave home and live away you come back to discover that it has changed on you and that you can never again look upon it the way you did before. I thought I knew what he meant by that at the time, but I can tell you I understand that statement on a whole other level now. There is no going back now.